Has anyone caught me saying the f-word before? Meal’s on me if you have!
People may have caught on that I rarely swear in front of them. Emphasis on “in front of them” because I do regularly swear. However, when I am around people, I normally keep my word usage clean.
My ‘No Swearing’ policy is simple but it is very me-centric. The barrier to what constitutes a swear for me is plain. It is whatever word that you think may upset the conventional, stereotypical, strict Asian parent upon hearing those words slip out of their child’s lips.
That would mean a few words would already be struck out from my vocabulary. But the concept of “what word would make my mom unhappy if she hears me say it” is a bit arbitrary. The barriers are a bit muddy. One time when I was 10, I was really into these Sonic the Hedgehog fan-made flash RPGs on the internet. These games had really crappy voice acting and they would toss in a few mildly vulgar words here and there (recalling back, it’s kinda funny picturing the idea of Sonic flipping off any one person). But there were some pretty cool lines from the games, so I did whatever a 10-year-old would do: recite them while roleplaying in my imaginary world.
“Take that, you BASTARD!”
“How dare you, you son of a bitch!”
Eventually, my mom caught on to my “vulgarity” and my super cool imaginary worldbuilding. She gave me the Asian equivalent treatment of brushing my tongue with soap: a stern scolding and the silent treatment for the rest of the day. That was enough to instill an impression on me of what saying bad words could entail for me.
On another note, I also love playing The Sims game and have played all the main game series (The Sims 1–4). The Sims is generally a pretty tame life simulation game. In fact, it is so PG that in the 1st game, you had to kiss your romantic partner exactly 8 times to have a baby. In the next game, the developers changed the 8 kisses to ‘woohoo’, a euphemism for birds and bees stuff.
I remembered when I was 8, I asked some girl I was close with if we could ‘woohoo’. Of course, I had no idea what it actually meant. My mom heard it and I got into a lot of trouble for that. More trouble than saying ‘die, bastard!’.
Honestly, I don’t blame my parents for being strict with me. I know where they were coming from. Their idea of responsible parenting is to be incredibly strict and controlling during our early ages and gradually letting their hand go once we made it into college. It was their idea of ideal discipline. And it worked, very effectively. I am the most disciplined person I know in my life, second to my mom.
And obviously, the meaning of swearing changes significantly during the transition from childhood to the teenage years. As a teenager, I was very angsty and pent up. Swearing felt like a venting outlet in some way.
More importantly, whenever I cursed, there was a rush. Swearing was considered wrong in my book. My parents were the author of that book. But my surrounding people each wrote a chapter in it as well. I grew up in a town that had the church as its pillar. To put it in a better way, it was the church that funded, published, and promoted that book on a massive international book tour on a regular weekly basis. If there was no church, there would be no funding, thereby no motivation and grit for any one person in my life to finish writing their part. Religion remains a central piece to my “No Swearing” policy.
Swearing was a sinful act in biblical terms; every teenage boy had a daredevil aspiration. No wonder it felt good to curse even though the dopamine from it lasted for about literally 3 seconds. But that is precisely why I let out those words so often, to muster as many ‘3 seconds’ as possible. I know some teachers found me problematic because of it. I know my old, sweet church pastor found me concerning because of it.
Still, the true turning point was this interaction I had with my classmate. I used to think he and I were close childhood friends because I would often invite him over to my house to play romhacks of Pokémon Ruby and Emerald together. He was incredibly uptight. But I wouldn’t say he is religious. He had a very ‘by the book’ kind of mindset. One time, I was singing a pop song and it had some adult themes and words in it. He didn’t like it because his church taught him those themes were satanic and corruptive of our mind and soul. This was what he told me:
“You should be ashamed to call yourself Christian. How can you say those things you are saying while still be so active in your youth ministry?”
For context, I used to involve myself a lot in my church community, particularly the youth group I was in.
His words really left a momentous impact. I still twitch my facial muscles whenever I recall the moment. That is because I can remember the feeling of shame and disappointment upon hearing his lines extremely vividly. It also does not help that I am a very self-conscious person. Because of it, I am quite often socially anxious. I’ve gotten better but as a teenager, I was almost always anxious. I give too much power to the perception of me through what others think I should be. In this case, swearing brought down my worth and identity because my friends who were also Christian were disapproving of the way I expressed myself.
I think my history (some people may read this as past trauma) has made it clear why I rarely swear in public.
So here’s the fun part.
Jumping to today, I swear all the time. HAHAHA. It is mostly when I am alone. Making my second The Sims game reference, I like to “practice charisma in front of the mirror”. I talk to myself all the time. I absolutely love it. It helps me reflect on a thought or a lesson that I learn from the day. I’ve been talking to myself since I learned how to speak real words and conceptualize them.
Boiling down to the most basic fundamental, swearing is technically just verbal expression. Naturally, I swear when I accidentally stub my toe or feel a certain violent resentment towards an inconsiderate individual. It is natural for everyone.
It is also important to remember the most vulgar and offensive lines are most often ones that rarely have “swear words” in them. Some of the most hurtful phrases I’ve heard have no swear words in them. Think along the lines of “make like a tree and leave (leaf, get it?)”. I can tell you a few phrases that have disrupted my status quo of childhood innocence:
“You do you.” — My first devastating breakup.
“You are just like your father.” — My mom in the heat of the moment.
“You Chinese think because you have top grades then you can just say whatever you want?” — My racist, sexist college lecturer.
I make it sound like I am an innocent boy having his first ‘woke’ moment in his journey in learning basic social etiquette. It is exactly what it is. My background and history have been at times very suppressing of expression and creativity output. I always felt subdued, so much in fact that travelling back to my hometown feels draining because of the draining individual freedom to experiment and challenge.
I used to think I suffer a lot from omission. The omission to use certain words to release steam. Not cussing feels like an obstruction to expression at times. That is because emotional expressions only make sense when they are conveyed to others effectively. Some emotions are best expressed in the form of certain words that are commonly used in everyday dialogue.
Alarm clock didn’t ring this morning? Shit.
Messed up something and now you have to make up for it? Fuck!
Just heard some devastating news? Fuck…
For me, when these situations happen to me, I groan and/or sigh. That’s my version of articulating whatever feeling I am feeling. I think it is a perfectly fine response. But does everyone else find it so? Sometimes I think my sighs and groans get perceived as ungrateful, not caring enough, inexpressive, or even inattentive to the situation at play. These thoughts grow into insecurities.
That’s when I get angry and I tell them to “make like a tree and leave”.
And then they will laugh and jokingly ask if that is my poor attempt at an insult.
That is when I give up my role in the conversation as I see no value in continuing to interact with them.
“You guys do you.” I would remark.
I try not to give power to swear words.
But there is meaning behind the act of swearing in social settings. By holding some ‘distasteful’ words at such a high level of offense, one gives those words power. By using it more casually, one can rob those words of their power.
I know the people I grew up with in my life give so much power to a few forbidden words. I believe this is aligned with the conception that strong language is indicative of a poorly raised background and a brute personality. It is weird and ironic because I just heard my boss tossed a “fuck” during a work call earlier today. He is a founder of a non-profit education startup.
We give a lot of power to a few measly words; I myself give a lot of power in the refrain of those words. I actually have gotten quite good at navigating away from swear words to convey my thoughts. In a way, it has given my writing a style and has allowed my touch to paper. Some people struggle to find their individual penmanship. I like that I don’t have too much of that particular struggle.
I will end this blog by wishing everyone to make like a tree and live. Yes, I’m being intentionally corny.
Fuck, I just stubbed my toe.
